Loving Others Begins With Loving Yourself
I’m a fan of Valentine’s Day. Yes, you heard me right. My ex used to lament that it’s a made-up holiday, but I have always chosen to view Valentine’s Day as a reminder for us to honor all of the people we love in our lives; not just romantic interests. And in the spirit of the celebration of love, I want you to explore how you celebrate loving yourself as well.
As a result of a lot of hard work and life experience, I know how important self-love, self-like, and self-acceptance are. When we like, love, and accept ourselves for who we are, we can focus more on living our lives on our own terms instead of the terms of others we hope will approve of us. We can pursue our own interests, find our own communities, and, as a bonus, attract the people to our circles who reflect and complement our values instead of our working so hard to become something we might not be to fit someone else’s narrative.
Although I had a strong personality and an independent spirit, I was extremely sensitive. I did my best to avoid hurting other people’s feelings because I felt their hurts as if they were my own. I also came to believe that pleasing others could lead to winning their approval. I worked hard at being there for others, oftentimes to my detriment, and was rewarded for my loyalty and propensity to be of service. My habit of putting others before myself worked perfectly for many years…until it stopped working well and became a true problem.
I ignored many red flags that I wasn’t honoring myself. (Can you might relate to some of these?): I maintained friendships with questionable/sometimes abusive people, I dated the same type of “wrong guy”, and I also found myself mixed up in challenging situations that were dishonoring to me. I couldn’t figure out why I kept dealing with these same situations. I even had to admit that I didn’t trust myself.
Imagine how crushing it was when I realized that I had called those experiences into my life because I’d stopped loving and valuing myself. I’d become willing to let others influence, and in some cases dictate, who I was and how I was going to show up in various areas of my life, not because they had my best interest at heart… Because they had their own.
The time came to take my power back and become my own best advocate.
I spent years letting go of outdated, unhelpful, faulty beliefs I’d adopted or just absorbed that weren’t mine. I let go of toxic relationships that weren’t supporting me. I also mourned the loss of dreams I was unable to realize and beliefs that had hurt me rather than helped me. With the help of a spiritual teacher who once asked me, “Who would you be if everything you used to define yourself suddenly disappeared?”, I began to reacquaint myself with who I truly am and get okay with people disagreeing and disliking me. And in the letting go, I found myself again. I love this perfectly imperfect person I am; my deepest commitment is to honor myself. And when I can honor myself more fully, I can honor those around me because I'm not showing up from a place of fear or lack. And on the occasions that I do show up from a place that feels less powerful, I can admit it, care for myself, and ask for help when I want and need it. I'm fully me, with all of my roses and thorns.
As you set out to celebrate this day with friends and loved ones, take a minute to embrace yourself for the amazing person you are too.