I'm going to "out" myself and level with you. For many years, I examined my life from an intellectual space. I could articulate my history and how it got me "to this point." But understanding what happened, and even making different choices, only addressed the intellectual part of what I was experiencing. I was grateful for the investigation, but I always felt stuck when I got triggered. If someone said or did something that really upset me, I’d descend into a tailspin and every coping skill I had learned went out the window. I knew there was more work to do because I was still living in survival mode and had no idea how to free myself. I also noticed I was repeatedly hurting my own feelings as I retold the stories. Rehashing and trying to understand the bullshit intellectually no longer worked. Furthermore, I was focused on what was going on "out there" and how to react, instead of what was happening within me and honoring what felt very real. As a result, I had difficulty getting past hurts, disappointments, fears, and anger. I was caught in a loop I couldn't get out of. I needed more.
So much shifted for me once I began to connect the physical with the emotional. My life changed.
Why Somatic Healing Includes the Body
To heal more completely, we have to include what we sense and feel in our bodies. There is no way around it. When we do, we allow all of who we are to be present. Honoring our feelings is as important as addressing what happened. You might have heard me say, "Your issues are in your tissues." When an experience triggers a visceral response, it's important to get curious about what's happening within you and to follow that thread to your healing. Your responses offer clues about how you really feel, so you can weigh what is true for you and choose how to move forward for you, not in reaction to the event that prompted it.
What I Learned From Working With Women on Their Fertility Journeys
For years, I have witnessed how acknowledging what's happening in the body improves outcomes for my clients. This has been especially true for those who have worked with me on their fertility journey. Many have shared how hard it was to try to conceive while friends got pregnant again and again, and the sadness and anger they felt toward their bodies for not conceiving on their timeline. They've told me how difficult it was to join activities with pregnant friends, where constant baby conversations created the pressure to set aside their own grief, leaving them feeling invisible. I've listened to the anxiety they carried home from doctors' visits, where providers projected doubt about their ability to conceive without medical intervention. I've also heard about earlier traumas and the lack of support that left them doubting themselves. Helping them face, accept, and work through their sadness, anger, grief, invisibility, anxiety, and doubt opened emotional space to focus on what they needed for their own sakes, so they could move toward what they wanted: conception and healthy pregnancies. And, gratefully, many of them have gotten there.
You don't have to be navigating fertility to recognize your own traps or to experience similar benefits. Exploring your feelings alongside your insights applies in any circumstance.
An Invitation to Notice What You Feel
This week, pause once a day and ask yourself, what am I feeling right now? Then, before you try to figure out why, ask two different questions: Where do I feel it in my body? What does this feeling in my body want me to know? Every emotion carries a message:
Anger is often a sign that a boundary has been crossed.
Anxiety is worry about something that hasn't happened yet.
Sadness points to something that has ended or is missing.
Grief is love with nowhere to go.
Regret and shame can keep us living in the past.
You don't have to fix or analyze anything. Just notice where the feeling lives. Is it a tightness in your chest, a heaviness in your belly, a clench in your jaw? Place a hand there, take a few slow breaths, and let the feeling be heard. Understanding why you feel something is only the beginning. The change comes when the body gets to feel it, move it, and release it.